I’d made a habit of hunching my shoulders and frowning when I saw myself in the mirror, practicing toughness that didn’t come naturally to my smirky, jovial face. The older I

Madonna had taken to wearing blue shawls and an angelic expression. She had reclaimed her virginity like the first Elizabeth. Suddenly chaste was in Vogue.

He slept under the covers for the first time since the ghost had been busted. That moment where he'd felt safe under the covers, then seen a ghost beneath had ruined his safe place

Even she knew when we put the bookshelf together, that Twilght would go onto the shelf of shame on the lower right corner. It was ok to admit you read it, but never to put it next

Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "bouquet") his role model. Meryl Streep his muse. Anderson Cooper his archenemy. Anson Williams

The bananas had brown spots on them so they looked like giraffe's. He'd heard these were the cavendash bananas. He'd heard there were way tastier bananas than these but

The hamster waited for him to go to sleep. He pushed back the bank of cedar chips. There was the hole. He squeezed through it. Climbed up on his bed. Crept onto his chest, neck and

You awaken on the banks of a cactus-lined river of acid. You wonder aloud at the sexy tickle in your lower pendiculum. Safron (had you dreamed her?) had warned you sternly not to

Then he gave me the look that only a father can give his daughter. It’s the look that says “I carried you on my shoulders. I put a band-aid on your knee. I just want this one favor

I awoke to find myself surrounded by an army of well armed and thoroughly angry Peeps. Left-overs from last years Easter party, I was fairly certain that

The short one sat at the table with her bible. The tall one arrived. She was so much hotter than the short one. But the short one was her spiritual adviser. They hugged, and then

She had two heads. It wasn't a Siamese Twin thing. It was fusion. Walt Disney's head was not frozen, it was attached to her neck. In the back. That was the real brains behind Pixar

It wasn't the constant barking that annoyed me. No, I could live with that. And it wasn't the incessant whining, either. That was almost bearable. It really all came down to the

Alien abductions are the worst. It's not just the experimentation, severing, stitching, and anal probing. Sure those things really suck and all. But what's with the elevator music

She wasn't crazy. It had been there the night before. The old house was there in its place, looking nothing like a five hundred story gateway to hell. No tentacles climbing her leg

The nudist colony had been a great little business back in the Seventies. But these days, Grin and Bare it was lucky if 34 people showed up in a

Where do I start? I suppose from Friday night. I left your house and drove home. All the way there my mind was on you and the too-short time we spent together. I opened the door to

The day the roses turned black was the day that everything changed for us. We had only just recovered from

They went into the dressing room. That's when the AXE men's body spray fell on the crowd. She reached down to get it and he kneed her in the chest. She flew back into the mirror

I forever remembered the sight of