"Youse just shots a whole in my Stetson!" The hombre pushed through the bat wing doors. "This woulda cost $69.95 at JC Penny's... retail!...during Crazy Days!"

The Emporer of the World looked at his day planner. "Item one, beatification of Pope John Paul the II, check. item two, croquet with the royals at undisclosed location, check. Next

Thats it! If i see one more misused apostofre or mispelling your dead! Said Randy. An dont come wit you're excuses like "who care's" or "i just want to get my mesage acros"

Standard Recipe: Set oven to Planck temperature. Insert quantum fluctuation. Rapidly inflate to homogenous quark-gluon plasma. Destroy antimatter. Form protons & neutrons

"Face, meet cement" - That was his last thought? - Yep. - Not a particularly good one to sum up your life with, eh? - He always took pride in rational and impartial thinking, sir.

"Dear Molly, On sight thereof permit the Bearer to immediately enter a pair of sheets with you and let him have ingress, egress and

Shawna cackled. "You're right Mable, that Betty Lou is dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." Mable lit up. "Why, she looks busier'n a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

I heard loud footsteps thudding through the bushes, much to big to be human. "RAWR!!!" A loud roar rang out and I saw a lizard-like head pop out from between the trees. "HAI!" It

"It would only take 30 - 40 minutes tops to break into it, " I thought to myself... Charlie Tuna, why do you do this to me every time?? The pouches are ok, but the cans are soooo

Jesse crumbled to the ground and blood spewed from his mouth like water from a cupid statue in one of those old cartoons. Jim hobbled to his brother and started screaming

Greg came home to a lightless house. "Sara?" He was sure he had paid the power bill. There was a dark humming coming from the kitchen. He saw Sara's shoe by the black fridge. Greg

The night's pallor matched that of the surface's shadows, blending the environment into a singular darkness. Detective James Manatee, combat chopsticks in hand, investigated the

Three ladies at a bar argue who's more refined. The 1st orders a beer in 3 languages. The 2nd says cheers in 3 languages. The 3rd says "I can belch in 3 languages" drinks the beers

The purple doubloon hit me in the eye. MAN, I love Mardi Gras! All dat Cajun food, nekkid folk everywhere & the drinkin'! Only ting: Ain't no place to pee on Mardi Gras Day.

I stepped out of the burning room. What I had done to deserve such a terrible start to the day? 'We should call the fire brigade,' said Jenny,coughing on a little on the smoke from

"Scared the Hell Out of Me. It Was a Great Wake-Up Call (Although I Wasn't Really Asleep)" — Russell H., from Wichita, Kansas.

A time long ago, someone dear to me said go. And now I weep. Blah blah blah. "This writer has nothing to say at all! As a matter of fact, yes, I'm sure he is mad! Absolutely insane

"Today we'll be making our very own pulleys," said Ms. James. A thousand fists punched through the classroom walls. Oh no, Luddites! Destroying another science lab! The emergency

I stared at the computer screen. I've been dong it for a half hour already. Then, it happened. The screen began to swell, and... FA-BOOM! Broken glass everywhere. i wanted to open

If Cookie Monster can indulge in 50 cookies before lunch, it must certainly be acceptable for me to devour 10 margaritas for breakfast after the night I've had! I can't believe