I am absolutely, positively, 100%-sure I

I am absolutely, positively, 100%-sure I saw an alien last night. No animal could crouch and feast on a human body like that. Oddly, it smiled at me when I flipped on the

the porch light. It seemed rather smitten with me. I didn't know how to respond. Should I be happy or scared? I decided to

play it cool, tell him that I liked him as a friend, but not in 'that' way. What I had was just for me. I knew he'd be hurt, but he'd be better for it in the long run. That is

until he finds out about my "condition." Being a hermaphrodite has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. At first it made for interesting dinner conversation, but now

I just want to be able to throw myself at him and not have him freak out like the last guy I crushed on did. I never did get my panties back.

But I do have that scar on my shoulderblade. Every time it rains, I'm reminded of that night - the awkward conversation in line at CVS, the way he ran after me on the street, and

the seductive scent of his Cool Water cologne wafting over me as he pressed me up against the wall of the alley, our bodies intertwined in a knot of passion. And then the noise of

a blood-curdling shriek that could have shattered plexi-glass invaded our ears, shredding this erotic moment to pieces. He looked down the ally and whispered

"I'll go find out who made that shriek and rescue her!" But as soon as he took one foot down the ally

he realized that he wasn't in the best of shape anymore. By the time he got to the end the shrieking had stopped. He whipped out his keychain flashlight only to find a cat in heat.