"A napkin? Psh, I'm GOOD at transferring

"A napkin? Psh, I'm GOOD at transferring food from a plate to my mouth via my hands." Seconds later, BBQ sauce dripped into pa's lap. He needed an excuse, so he faked an injury.

An emotional injury. Pa looked hurt. Then stared up at the heavens. He bit his lip faking an attempt to bite back his vulnerability. The false pain gave Pa the perfect excuse to

apply lipstick to salve the wound. "It works better than Carmex or Vaseline. It's medical fact!" Mom was skeptical, but let it slide. It was the following Friday she caught him

Stealing the lipstick and wearing it to school on days when he crossdressed. It caused the teachers to call him a purple penguin. His Mom didn't know what purple penguins were!

The truth was they reserved the term for those special kids. Mom learned that her son was a purple penguin. She had thought he was going through a phase but now she knew. She would

have to accept him as a purple penguin, so she bought him a pail of minnows. Her son turned his beak up at them, puzzling her. “What’s wrong, son?” “Mom, they’re FATHEAD minnows!"

"Look," said the purple penguin's mom, "I know you're having some challenges fitting into penguin society, but I will not have you insult your dinner!" "No-one understands me!" he

Junior hit him so hard with a ruthenium mallet that brain matter sprayed all over Sal’s Armani suit. “Look out, Idiot!” Sal hollered. Junior smiled, “Hey, Sal, who’s this Ruth?”

Ruth emerged from the bushes. "I am your worst nightmare." With that, she mowed everyone down in a hail of bullets, including herself. She had been talented to the last.