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I was walking through the woods one day,

  • I was walking through the woods one day, and I came to a fork in my path. No signs signified which road led to where. One path was dark, with trees growing up on each side, clawing

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  • at the uneven trecherous path. The other was lined with tullips and fluttering butterflies. So what did I do? I took the dark trecherous path and that has made all the difference.

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  • Because along this path was a mutated panda holding a giant whale penis. He charged at me swinging the giant member wildly and hitting me on the head. I passed out for 5 minutes

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  • due to the concussion brought on by that panda's grotesque weapon. I awoke, tied up in a dimly-lit room, with the mutated panda glaring at me.

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  • "Where's the damn hi hos and ding dongs?" Demanded the mutated panda. I was tied up so I couldn't point or scratch my neck.

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  • The panda subsequently Ate, Shot, and Left, defying all conventional rules of grammar* *cf Linda Buloski, in her new biography of Giant Tibetan pandas, who claims that when aroused

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  • she has a particular habit of writing lengthy diatribes about endangered or sometimes simply threatened species. The Panda was no different. Linda had scribed her tome entirely

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  • on the insides of condom packets that she had collected from her apartment over the years. A tome is what it definitely was. It contained more information about the panda than they

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  • , quite frankly, cared to know. But it did contain enough panda DNA to attempt a clone. Unfortunately, it also contained the DNA of several of her low-life johns. The animal that

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  • emerged *was* cute, in a way, but ultimately caused tremendous panda-monium. She never regretted a thing, though. She was just happy she wasn't left alone.

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