I was walking through the woods one day,

I was walking through the woods one day, and I came to a fork in my path. No signs signified which road led to where. One path was dark, with trees growing up on each side, clawing

at the uneven trecherous path. The other was lined with tullips and fluttering butterflies. So what did I do? I took the dark trecherous path and that has made all the difference.

Because along this path was a mutated panda holding a giant whale penis. He charged at me swinging the giant member wildly and hitting me on the head. I passed out for 5 minutes

"Where's the damn hi hos and ding dongs?" Demanded the mutated panda. I was tied up so I couldn't point or scratch my neck.

The panda subsequently Ate, Shot, and Left, defying all conventional rules of grammar* *cf Linda Buloski, in her new biography of Giant Tibetan pandas, who claims that when aroused

she has a particular habit of writing lengthy diatribes about endangered or sometimes simply threatened species. The Panda was no different. Linda had scribed her tome entirely

on the insides of condom packets that she had collected from her apartment over the years. A tome is what it definitely was. It contained more information about the panda than they

, quite frankly, cared to know. But it did contain enough panda DNA to attempt a clone. Unfortunately, it also contained the DNA of several of her low-life johns. The animal that

emerged *was* cute, in a way, but ultimately caused tremendous panda-monium. She never regretted a thing, though. She was just happy she wasn't left alone.