"You misheard me," I said, hands raised.

"You misheard me," I said, hands raised. "I said 'terran-ist.' Means I hold the belief that Mars should be treated as a colony, not independent. Can you put the guns down, please?"

How could I know they were martians in human guise? No sooner had the declaration left my mouth I was whisked into their mothership & probed EVERYWHERE, then taken to their queen.

"Oh, good grief! Please relax, you silly boney human blobby pants! The Martians of your system have been dead a long while. But enough about them." I wriggled against the

from the Tempur-Pedic species," the alien explained. I could see tiny bed bugs crawling all over its face. "You've made your bed & now must lie in it!" The mattresses prodded me

hard with its long, alien fingers. "I don't want to lie in it!" I screamed, but those fingers at other ideas. They clutched me and pulled me down until I was lying right on the

alien's amniotic fluid. For a moment I cursed what was about to happen and at the same time I relished making the sacrifice that another Citizen wouldn't have to. The alien pulled

down its tinfoil pants and mooned me. I know I deserved it, after stealing its amniotic fluid. I feigned disgust (it actually had a cute derriere) and the alien hopped back into

its high-tech frying pan and just sat there and fried! "I'm sorry I stole your amniotic fluid," I cried, tugging on one of the alien's appendages, "stop cooking yourself!"

But it continued,testing doneness by slurping its tentacle & then rapidly consumed itself, so I served a prize-winning amniotic bouillon & the stock remained a secret foreevermore.