"You misheard me," I said, hands raised.

"You misheard me," I said, hands raised. "I said 'terran-ist.' Means I hold the belief that Mars should be treated as a colony, not independent. Can you put the guns down, please?"

How could I know they were martians in human guise? No sooner had the declaration left my mouth I was whisked into their mothership & probed EVERYWHERE, then taken to their queen.

"Oh, good grief! Please relax, you silly boney human blobby pants! The Martians of your system have been dead a long while. But enough about them." I wriggled against the

mattresses that crowded the atmosphere of this strange planet. My alien captor continued, inches from my face on account of the mattresses at both of our backs. "We are descended

from the Tempur-Pedic species," the alien explained. I could see tiny bed bugs crawling all over its face. "You've made your bed & now must lie in it!" The mattresses prodded me

hard with its long, alien fingers. "I don't want to lie in it!" I screamed, but those fingers at other ideas. They clutched me and pulled me down until I was lying right on the

alien's amniotic fluid. For a moment I cursed what was about to happen and at the same time I relished making the sacrifice that another Citizen wouldn't have to. The alien pulled

down its tinfoil pants and mooned me. I know I deserved it, after stealing its amniotic fluid. I feigned disgust (it actually had a cute derriere) and the alien hopped back into

But it continued,testing doneness by slurping its tentacle & then rapidly consumed itself, so I served a prize-winning amniotic bouillon & the stock remained a secret foreevermore.