I love calamari. Or at least what I *thought*

Well, it's used by plumbers to stop leaks in PVC pipes. A blocked nose can also provide a convenient supply. Plumbers can use their trade discount to purchase

nuts and bolts. You know, like bits of metal that could be used to make various devices. Also, they can nick bits and bobs, and sell them as spare parts. Even a few rusty nails has

Ed's name on them. I packed the pipe full of metal bits. Jammed it with plastique explosives. Screwed the cap. Placed it under Ed's favorite

donkey, lit the fuse and stood back. With a massive bang and a small eeyore, the explosion lit up the skyline. Ed wept bitter tears for his donkey, he swore vengeance on the perps

but the Donkey in the stall had been an effigy of Eeyore. "Finally I'm free to find the remotest lushest thistle field in England with no master to tell me I'm lazy and stupid."

The field was indeed the lushest in all of Britain. But within a fortnight a Master appeared. Pulling at his ancient beard, he scowled and grumbled, "You're lazy and stupid. Not to

bright." The Master leaned down on his walking stick and touched the English grass. His hand came back green. "You think just spraying the field with paint I wouldn't catch on?"

I ran then, knowing my life was in jeopardy. I could hear The Master shouting to his minions, "Get him! Kill him, you fools!" Spotting a vacant golf cart parked at the back of the

IKEA, I sonic-ed the vehicle on (I could have just hot wired it) & drove off the ledge onto a convenient pulley & fulcrum Rube Goldberg device. A bucket of ice water fell on him!