A shortnecked giraffe, a spotless leopard,

A shortnecked giraffe, a spotless leopard, and a human with no opposable thumbs walk into a casino. They sit down for a round of Black Jackal. The dealer, a Cheetah

, asked 'Hhhow you gonna hold your hhand, thumblesss man?' The thumbless human replied, 'Holy shit, a talking Cheetah!'" The audience at the comedy club sat silent.

That's because behind the Cheetah and the thumbless man was Tom Arnold. Tom's forehead was slick with flop sweat and his eyes got all shifty, he grinned like a fool and pulled

a peach out of his pocket. Tom offered the peach to Rosanne but she said "I'm on a grain only diet. You know I can't eat that". Tom threw the magical peach into the air

, positioned himself under it & swallowed it whole as it came down. Tom's ass then shrunk two sizes. "Holy shit!" said Roseanne. "You want one now, huh?" said Tom. The second peach

dropped into Roseanne's gaping mouth. POING! POING! Tom's butt cheeks suddenly sprung out on her forehead. "Well now," laughed assless Tom."These peaches must be magic or maybe

I am just losing my mind." Roseanne vanished, and the scene collapsed around Tom. Four white, textured walls -- padded. A strange jacket, his arms bound tightly against his chest.

Rivers' stunt double. It must be hard to move your face with all that botox. Save your strength." So I just stared at the man in the white uniform leaning against the padded wall.

They said plastic surgery was an extreme route to go for solving bodily dysmorphia, but what's a guttersnipe like me to do about mental illness but plead insanity to these crimes?