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I was busy rubbing mashed monkey glands into

  • I was busy rubbing mashed monkey glands into my scalp. Mme Wong had sworn that this was the best baldness cure known to science & worth the huge pricetag. It smelt a little like nu

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  • gent. Ted Nugent, that is. Hmmmm...maybe my hair would look like his after I finished with this amazing scalp treatment. I mean, surely Madame Wong wasn't wrong about this...right?

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  • Surely it isn't crazy to talk to myself right? Madam Wong yanked my sideburns hard. "Wake up their Chappie!" she shouted in my ear.

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  • "Wha- But I am awake!" I said. "No," said Madam Wong, "You're in the dream realm." I noticed she was hovering a foot above the ground. "Wake up, Chappie, before the specters come."

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  • I woke up. Were the specters gone? I reached for a glass and tipped the night stand. The water sloshed out in a slow wave. The alarm clock read 8:88. I was still asleep.

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  • No wait, I'd forgotten about the new Daylight Squandering Time: a half hour of day was added to each hour of night. And the water contained food thickener. But were the specters

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  • expecting speckled spectacles of specious splendor? He hoped not. Squandering was one of his greatest strengths, but squandering daylight seemed wrong. It made him profoundly sad,

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  • seeing the glimmering beams of sunlight waste away in a can on the shelf like this. He took it down, dusted it off, and decided to move it to a spot by the window. Maybe then it

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  • would finally bloom and unfold its secrets. After a bit of waiting, nothing happened, so he turned his back.

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  • It was the greatest error of his life, although he never knew it. The poor schmuck ended up like all the rest of us...working too hard for a living & never understanding why.

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