Crunchy things are bad for your health. It

Crunchy things are bad for your health. It causes teeth stress and digestion agitation. Which is why I use the Mushkins diet.

Mushins are "munchkins" that I have marinated in olive juice and meat tenderizer.

It's important to marinate the meat tenderizer in olive juice before hammering out the mushy munchkins into thin, flat strips. The juice imparts a delicate flavor to the hammer,

perfect for a garnish. I may have been a back-alley doctor (and damn proud of it, too) but I wasn't too shabby in the kitchen either. Too bad I was in jail for raping my daughter.

But, you do what you gotta do to survive in prison, even if it means taking it up the arse for a few sprigs of parsley to make a nice vinaigrette in the toilet bowl. I cooked a lot

of other great ideas like this up, but for some reason, none of the publishers were interested in my manuscripts. They just don't recognize greatness when they read it!

Turns out The Blind Press became a pretty lucrative publishing gig for me. "My fan base grew and recently I received the Helen Keller award for.....oh," I said as her blank stare

seemed to reach into the depths of my soul. Something about her told me that she just didn't care... But even more than that. I started to feel that no one cared. So many fans, but

none could fit my ceiling. I really ought to do some remodeling. My ceiling is huge and ridiculous and doesn't even fit my room.