"Coffee - and Irish it up for me," said the

"Coffee - and Irish it up for me," said the man in the bright blue jump suit. He didn't strike the waitress as

a drinker, but She was getting used to that. She reached for the Bushmills right as the bell over the door rang.

There he was, her greatest nemesis: Lindsay Lohan, queen of all that

stanks. The room fulled with the sickening aroma of tuna melt gone bad. "I knew it was you, Lindsay Lohan," she said choking back a heave, " I could smell your nasty crotch from

But the Abandoneer kept calling Dennis, Randy Quaid. She kept telling him how much she loved Christmas Vacation. Dennis couldn't take it. His brother was so much more

stoned, homeless, and untalented. Because even having the name "Randy" as a celebrity connotes failure: Jackson (Idol); Jackson (5); Johnson. How Randy Quaid thought he could

"Randy" himself into the hearts of Americans, we may never know, though he's cute in a post-apocalyptic sort of way. However high or high-n-dry or lack-a-knack Randy was, he grew

3 sizes that day. But how could such growth be supported? This violation would be reported. So Randy, American Sweetheart, friend to animals and small children

everywhere fell from grace on that fateful day, much like Meg Ryan did after screwing around with the volatile bag of testosterone that is Russell Crowe. The end.