My parents gave me advice like "Don't talk

My parents gave me advice like "Don't talk with your mouth open." and "Hold my hand while crossing the street. I don't want to die alone."

Well you'd be flat wrong. I've been on many dates. My father calls them mock-pitching woo. I go on dates with an invisible BF while my parents walk behind me and take notes.

My invisible boyfriends were never good enough for my parents. Their Pro/Con lists always had more Cons like: makes you pay for everything, uncommunicative, doesn't open doors

and never takes you anywhere nice, but they just didn't understand the Pros. I mean, having an invisible boyfriend meant that I never got into arguments (well not often anyhow),

like all those days when I was mad at him but didn't tell him why because I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him and he didn't know why. He should have known why. Shoulda

known that I was pissed at him for something that I didn't want to tell him about because he should've read my mind and known what it was that was upsetting me: He took my last

nerve and pinched it over showing proper respect for Boy Bands. He got really mad when I brought up The Monkees and that is when he pinched my last nerve. Pinched from right under

The rug, I fled to Andersonville and ate a viking breakfast. The whole Boy Band concept never existed until 1997 or so! I felt Sartre in one of his most famous novels at that very

moment, but Sartre slapped my face and told me to keep my hands to myself. "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you," he added. I still don't know what he meant.