John and Frank sat at the bar chatting. "I

John and Frank sat at the bar chatting. "I can't believe how mad she got", Frank muttered. "She was working in the kitchen and I just got one little toenail in the

Paula Dean Heart Attack Colitis Margaritas she was making and went ballistic." John and Frank drank in silence. Thinking of ways of killing their fat Southern mother.

Man, they were mean. John and Frank sat. John and Frank thought. John and Frank killed their fat Southern mother. Here's how:

Love. Haven't you ever heard what they say in the south? "Why, I just love her to de-ath." John & Frank loved their mom to death. They loved her sausage-n-gravey biscuits too. But

there was one thing they resented more than anything. John and Frank took the truck to the farmer's market that weekend. They packed 2 blankets, a sleeping bag and 7 plastic bags

filled to the brim with dihydrogen monoxide, which they'd purchased online for $10,000 from a member of Al Queda. John and Frank planned to exact sweet revenge on Farmer Bill for

taking his geese to market without tarring their feet. John and Frank splashed plenty of dihydrogen monoxide over Farmer Bill's farmhouse, lit and threw a match and stood back

to wait for God to modify physics. But God, not existing, was in a mean mood. Water would remain water, at least for the night. The He appeared in Farmer Bill's dream and yelled

"Mitchell, how dare you eat the last fudging pickle you fudging mendicant." And Mitchell looked at Webb and said something unintelligible. Farmer Bill woke up from this dream,