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Canuck Lovers and Canadian Mounties swear by our patented moose musk recipe pills. Never go on a camping trip without a supply! Don't be gunshy! Order now and we'll add this

"Hola, si," answered the telemarketer. "I've hacked into your credit card and the payment's gone through successfully! The bazooka will be shipped direct from a nearby warzone. Tha

t will be $20,000, adios!" I hung up the phone, that is the last time I will try to speak Spanish on 1-800-FLOWERS. A week later, the bazooka was on my doorstep. IKEA instructions

were only in Swedish. Damn those Spanish-Sweeds telephone operators! I did my best to assemble the bazooka, but I had a handful of leftover pieces. The picture looked right, so I

I rested the quickly assembled bazooka on my right shoulder and fired. Red Swedish fish were propelled out and punctured a hole in my apt wall. Well, the directions were Swedish.

When I looked through the new hole in my apt wall I saw my neighbor chocking on the floor covered with Swedish Fish. I tried the Heimlich maneuver, but the Swedish fish was stuck

! As his face began turning blue, I quickly tried to get my neighbor to tell me what he'd done with all the stuff he borrowed from me. "Use sign language!"" I urged him before he

faded away. "Man, I should have done CPR, at least then I would have known what he did with all my stuff!" I turned and walked away as ambulances and chasers arrived. My neighbor

Laughed violently, holding his AK47 shooting all the ambulances. I ducked in cover, wondering why he became such a maniac. Their screams echoed throughout my head, and I fainted.