"OH. MY. GOD. Will you stop playing Friday

"OH. MY. GOD. Will you stop playing Friday just this once?! that was, like, 2 years ago!"My sister screamed "NOPE! But Chuck Testa Might" I Replied. "i'll go get the Poptart and

see if it's still good after after 2 years." The bubblegum Pop-Tart looked innocent enough, but then it growled at me and muttered something like "rabies" or "babies". Either way,

I had changed my mind and ate some crumpets for breakfast. The bubblegum Pop-Tart calmed down and its mini baby bubblegum Pop-Tarts came out from hiding to play

in the lemon curd. They really were quite adorable. Suddenly, a horrid thought crossed my mind - what of all the other bubblegum Pop-Tarts senselessly slaughtered in the name of

USDA dietary standards? What breakfast foods would be "eliminated"? Panic-stricken, he rotary-dialed the governor, Chris Christie, to inform his of the pop-tart incident.

"Forget nutrition," the Governor said. Meals must be entertaining! Bore some holes in a cucumber, hold it over a teakettle, and it will play like a flute!

"Yeah!" we all said, thinking the Governor was batshit looney tunes. "What about we get a chicken, a pig, a cow and a fish and they duke it out at our table. Losers get eaten, the

winner also gets eaten." We nodded, brimming stupidly, but the governor could tell finally that we were humoring him. "How about I declare myself Subcommander Awesomepants & fire

on the wheel out of this world. The mayor's groin unfurled and bloomed into a beautiful flower, a pre-cursor to reincarnation. If you take requests, I'd like to be a cat, Buddah.