"Just cos you're tied to the porch doesn't

"Just cos you're tied to the porch doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars." My beer foamed through my nose. "Dad, I thought your beer belly was to hide the unemployed dwarf."

Then my father turned to me, belched and spit, "Son, it's time you knew. You are the unemployed dwarf."

That made me incredibly happy. First, I had never heard my father belch before. Second, understanding the reason of my short stature made me free to join the traveling circus.

I'd been practicing my juggling, unicycling, fire sword swallowing, and tight rope walking for years and now it was about to pay off. What the circus managers didn't know

lab before I could revert back to being human. It was great being a boa constrictor, though. I had a hankering for a walrus one day and headed over to the zoo. A little kid

was great as a morning snack but I was starving. So I ate a penguin, a fruit bat, two baboons, a frilled neck lizard and of course a walrus. The we're delicious but I had trouble

explaining to the head zookeeper how my extreme weight gain and the sudden disappearance of animals were not causally related. "Just bulking up for my annual weight loss resolution

failure," I offered, cheerily patting my abdomen. "The greatest omentum!" The zookeeper was not impressed by my vocabulary. "I will prove you ate the emu." She looked emaciated.

...while I looked emuciated.But you know what they say: Opposites attract.She lunged on me suddenly,but you know, I was used to this reaction from women.It was my animal magnetism.