He was the Master Baster. Yes, king of the

He was the Master Baster. Yes, king of the buttery birds, lord of the plump poultry. And no one, NO ONE would ever guess his secret.

almond that could set the nut world on fire. The Master Baster hogged the cupboards. He made deranged faces at anyone who came near his "mops" and marinades.

Four years later, the Master Baster worked at McDonald's. It was the only job he could find. Felony Frank hired him as well and paid cash. He made marinades there, and became known

for his Barbecue Rub the "Swine Tickler". Felony Frank thought he could make millions with this rub so when the Master Baster was on break he stole the recipe and

.ǝɿqɐʇ ɹnoʎ ɹoɟ pooɓ sɐʍ ʇı ɿǝqɐɿ ǝɥʇ uo sʎqqıɿ pıɐs ʇı ɟı ʍǝuʞ ǝɥ .sɐǝd ɟo uɐɔ pǝɥsnɹɔ ɐ ɥʇıʍ ʇı pǝɔɐɿdǝɹ

ʇnoqɐ ʞlɐʇ oʇ uɐƃǝq ʇı sɐ ǝɯ ʇɥƃıɹɟ ʇı ˙pɐǝɥ s,ʇɹɐʍǝʇs ɐɥʇɹɐɯ ǝʞıl pǝʞool ʇı ʇɐɥʇ ʎɐʍ ɐ ɥɔns uı pǝʇuǝp sɐʍ uɐɔ ǝɥʇ

how it had "turned" after its expiration date. I took a pair of tongs and threw the can into the trash, but late at night I heard Martha Stewart's laughter coming from the kitchen.

Martha Stewart in my kitchen picking through the trash was creeping me out. It was something she learned in prison, I guess. But the way she sucked down that expired can of oysters

inspired me to break my piggy bank and buy the fluegelhorn hanging in the pawn shop window. I composed the Ode to Botulism in D#Fminor7, dedicated to all the food poison lovers...