"Just because I asked a friend about her,

"Just because I asked a friend about her, just because I spoke her name somewhere, just because I called her number by mistake today, she thinks I still care" she sang, showering.

She continued singing in the shower and as she reached for her towel she started to ponder what she could do to get out of her unhappiness.

ceiling couldn't bear his weight when Mr. Farley jumped from the ladder and he crashed through the floor into the apartment below, right into Chrissy and Janet's bedroom where they

said, "Hey you aren't Mr. Firley!" And Chris Farley said, "That's right. I'm Mr. Farley and I'm crashing this old sitcom." Jack tripped over the step in the apartment and

Butch Patrick scampered down the stairs with dalek-like height-changing precision. Dick Van Dyke took guff from Rosanne Barr for his name, but couldn't tell a Tate from a Campbell.

Then I shoved cutlasses into their peeholes for making a career out of torturing me with shitty television, and rewarded my own good deed with

Honey Boo Boo and a box of cotton candy flavored Oreos. Yeah, this was living. Still, my one tru desire never returned

My 45 of Toni Basil's "Micky". I decided to walk down the 'Really? Wtf is this' grocery aisle , where the HoneyBooHituintheBoo cookies were, I was looking for the JerseyShore gel,

when all of a sudden it struck me just how utterly bizarre my life had become. I took a quick trip down the silverware aisle and slit my wrist with a butter knife.