I never was good at skateboarding. I think

I never was good at skateboarding. I think it was the jeans, honestly. How am I expected to kickflip with the maneuverability of a hogtied tortoise?

So one day, i take off my pant so that nothing is between me and my skateboarding.

I then took off my other pant, such that both of my pants are off. Now there really is nothing between me and my skateboarding. I Feel shocked at the revelation I have made, as I

wrap each pant around my forehead and tape the skateboard against my crotch. With my legs akimbo I leap at the nearest railing for the sweetest grind of my life, only to find that

someone welded razor blades face up down the rail. It slices right through my crotch in a white fire of pain and the Asian mini-mart owner give me the thumbs up

as he'd been planning to have me circumcised anyway, so my accident saved him a bundle. In return, he offered me

a lollipop, a stuffed panda, and a band-aid for the boo-boo. Later on, I would research the pros and cons of circumcision for my own son. I decided that, without a doubt,

I had been hacked.

caused it to make weird noises and be stuck on my screensaver, when my mother heard the noises she hid underneath my wardrobe forever in case the devil saw her.