Everything I do becomes a fad. I drank White

Everything I do becomes a fad. I drank White Russians BEFORE "The Big Lebowski." I had an ironic goatee in the Eighties! (I wish I could just sue somebody.)

, and by the time I reached middle-age I was so fuckin tattooed that people thought I was some sort of bronze statue with bird droppings on if I sat very still. These "hipsters" ca

-rry around red stripe beer and go to lucha libre matches. They live in a self-aware ironic bubble that causes them to be soulless. That's where my awesome tatts come in. I use

them to communicate with Romanian orphans. I point to the skull and say "skull", then to the anchor and say "anchor", then to my girlfriend's name mispelt in Urdu and say "Fessica"

but by the end of the day I usually give up and shout at the Romanian orphans to say, "GOD DAMMIT, I DON'T SPEAK VAMPIRE!" Little blood-suckers. Next day, start again. "English is

Not a language Gypsies speak. Sorry, we must move on." So spoke Gredovich and Serhopich.

Actually they said "We must pull some cats tails", but as I see your questioning glances, what Gredovich and Serhopich said is untranslatable. The gypsy's reply was "

vague at best, and at worst-- it was VERY vague. Which I guess isn't really too much worse but there' not a big scale here of how bad the response was, either way the gypse's respo

nse was ambiguously mysterious, which left me curious. I should have remembered that curiosity killed the cat. Now it's too late. RIP, Kitty.