Their potato proved that there was no such

Their potato proved that there was no such thing as alien life on other planets. The philosopher and the President explained all the complicated details as to why, beginning at

Sunday Morning Talk. "Today's topic: 'Are we alone?' My guests are: Lyndon B Johnson, Nietzsche, and an Idaho Russet. Good morning gentlemen and tuber."

"Mr. Potatohead. As a spud, did you look up at the night sky and ask 'Are we alone'"? "No Garrison, I thought the moon was a giant potato". "Err... LBJ, you started the space race.

What do you think of this?" "Well,"LBJ replied, "The spud here is onto something. We've never publicly acknowledged it before now, but the moon *is* a giant potato." The audience

wondered if it was the cheesy kind. "Could we fire the moon from a big potato cannon? I have a few targets in mind besides my ex's house," they all thought at once. LBJ quieted

down once the ludes took effect. They were the real ludes. The ones created by that Polish doctor that had the strawberry aftertaste. LBJ's hang dog cheeks drooped further down.

"So I won't be able to turn back into a human after all?" He barked at the doctor. "No; you will become a dog forever." I woofed in agony as floppy ears sprouted from my head.

wouldn't change his mind, so I bit his nose off and trotted right out the door. Thus began my existance as the meanest teacup poodle who ever lived. They called me

night and day, wanting to interview me by phone. They were too scared to interview in person. And well they should be. They are all on my kill list. All of them must die.