"Once upon a time there was light in my life,

"Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say... a total eclipse of the heart."

It happened when my cardiologist took me off Velveeta, insisting that I eat more cruciferous vegetables, especially late at night. Broccoli, cabbage, bok choy replaced cheese fries

me if I'd found a nice man yet and I couldn't leave it forever, you know. I fixed Aunt Mildred with a steely gaze and told her that roughage gave me so much more than a man ever

could. But before I could finish my rant, Aunt Mildred distracted me with a little gift. "Would you like some pumpkin pie? I made it myself," she said sweetly.

Pumpkin pie. My weakness of weaknesses! Without thanking her, I pressed my face into Aunt Mildred's pie and began gobbling up the delicious dessert. Within minutes, I was woozy.

"Surprise," Aunt Mildred said. "I'm your birth mother, and I've been waiting for the chance to abduct you back. And I did it -- with pumpkin pie!" She tossed me into her car and

tied me to the seat so I could not move. She got in the car and laughed like only a mad woman could. We screeched out of the driveway. I wondered if I would ever see my

family again as my estranged girlfriend drove me off into the sunset. Would I become a sex slave? Would she slowly mutilate me? Or would she just lose interest, and let me go?

What actually happened was even more extreme. I will spare you the details; let's just say it involves a whole lot of grapefruits. I still can't close both eyes at the same time...