I had been searching for the "God Particle"

Lit major. She had a copy of Chaucer in her slender, gentle hand. I'm a scientist and I don't believe in fate, but

I do believe in wearing down women who don't like you by being their friend and pitiful. So I told her I would carry her Chaucer book and started telling her lab jokes and beaker

trivia. That seemed to go over well so I asked her if she'd ever played a little game called Just The Tip. Just for a second. Just to see what it felt like. I never even

batted an eye as I asked her this, and she seemed to consider it. I began unzipping my trousers, but then she had a change of heart. Without any warning she grabbed a spatula and

made me pancakes with orange juice on the side! I was so delighted. I missed a good breakfast. Say what you want about sex, but nothing beats a rasher of bacon and buttered toast.

At least the sausages didn't make my rectum feel like it was tearing in two, and the toast? Tasted a damn sight better than ejaculatory fluid! Breakfast is the best thing in bed.

When I couldn't pay the bill, the Bed & Breakfast in Bed made me do the dishes. "Urgh, now I'll miss my reservation at the Futon & Lunch on Futon." I picked at egg scraps to sate

the proprietress, but flicked the egg globs at the back of her head when she turned away. Then I sneaked out the back door without paying. I wanted my "Lunch on Futon" experience.

I'd been upgraded to Lunch on Geisha. It's hard drinking soup off a naked lady, but I had a good go. She objected to steak flambé so we shared a ham sandwich. The ice cream was fun