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After they busted me out of prison I got

  • After they busted me out of prison I got a mighty grouch on. I used to go around dispossessing people of their 18 Wheelers. After speed eating a "baconator" I point the truck at

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  • at the closest mall and drilled the livestock truck straight into a mall. I was all hopped up on bacon & diesel so the first stop is always Brookstone. Those snooty assholes needed

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  • a reminder of what a real man looked like. I jumped down from the cab and screamed at the first suit I saw "What'd you have for breakfast!" "Wh- what?" he stammered. I punched

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  • him in the kneecap and said "learn to be more assertive!". The guy must have had a titanium cap 'cause I think I broke a knuckle. But did I let me see that? No! I was a manly man.

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  • At least, until the asbestos in the old warehouse I worked in got the better of me. Popping a pill into my mouth, I thought back on the days of glamor I lived before Mesothelioma,

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  • as a stand-up comic in south B'more. I called my act "Alive at the Dive," and I offered insightful criticism on hot-button topics like The Panic of 1873, the B.S. of the B&O, and

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  • the irony of why someone would try to start their stand-up comic career in "south B'more."

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  • Everyone knew south Baltimore was the heartland of comedy. The high schools taught comedy to freshmen. The ducks turned themselves into duck soup. And he was saying "knock knock".

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  • "Who's There?" (Dead Silence) He listened closer to the door. "Is this some sort of joke?" KNOCK! KNOCK! "Who's There?" A cow crashed through the door. He thought "An Interrupting

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  • ..." Oddly engough despite the humorous alternatives, this ws in fact the last thing that went through is mind as he was sidelined by 2 tons of angry pot roast. The gods laughed

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