Wild animals are fantastic. Love 'em. But

Wild animals are fantastic. Love 'em. But when a male cricket begins stridulating within my premises, my domocile, my castle, it's war. That insect's going down. He could be Jiminy

see him. It's downright maddening! Wait, I thought, what if it really is Jiminy Cricket? I can't be the one to squash that Jiminy chap. Then who'd sing "When You Wish Upon a Star"?

So I picked up the cricket, he sang "When you wish upon a star." So I looked up and made a wish on the biggest star in the sky. I wished to be the greatest poet on Alderaan. A gree

n light suddenly shone out from the star, but before I could react, I was dragged into a shielded bunker as my planet exploded around my ears. Now I was the only poet on Alderaan.

Being the only poet on the remnants of Alderaan was a huge responsibility. After the destruction of their planet by that death star, the few survivors of Alderaan were desperate

for potent and medicinal words of Alderaanian origin, arranged into patterns like Hydronian charm bracelets, except for their minds instead of their patronizing elitist wrists. The

-ir minds chafed and turned green at the edges from these rather ill-conceived trinkets, for they were not ready for this sort of enlightenment. So they threw them off and returned

to comforting idiocy and blissful ignorance like it was their childhood home. Also, the Trinckets of Enlightenment were quite tacky and totally last season. Stupidity looks natural

on you, my dear Archibald; but I refuse to bow down—like all the other mindless munchkins—and kiss the ring of the biggest pile of doo-doo this side of Bowlegs, Oklahoma.