Dear Santa: I want the following. 1. An easy-bake

Dear Santa: I want the following. 1. An easy-bake oven where I can cook Tandoori chicken using a 100 watt bulb.

2. A mint never hinged inverted Jenny postage stamp so I can send my granny a postcard from the Falkland Islands.

3. Neosporin for my paper cuts from licking all the mint flavor off the stamp.

4. A glass case to collect the wondrous twigs I get when I squeeze my blackheads.

5. A good vase for my fake floral bouquet. It can be any colour or size.

6. A discreet cummerbund for magical appliances, which would not look out of place with my workaday khakis and golf shirt.

7. Magical appliances for my day job as Hogwart's golf course assistant keeper: a varmint divining rod & shrinking bracelet for scouting mole tunnels & laying magic traps. 8.

(8) Prosthetic limbs for my pet spider 'Lucky' who thought it would be fun to challenge Brutus the body building dung beetle to a tug-of-war and lost big time. 9.

The packet of Whoppers malted milk balls I just stole from the Halloween dish. Watch me be short by one candy tonight. 10) Pink Flamingos 11) A pot to piss in 12)