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If there's one thing I can't stand about

  • If there's one thing I can't stand about 'Cranky Dave', it's the way that as soon as you've finished eating, he always, and I mean ALWAYS

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  • Plays your tuba. I mean seriously. I payed hundreds of dollars for that thing and he has to go and slather with spit from his greasy lips. Disgusting. So I told him

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  • he would have to pay to have my tuba dry cleaned. I had no use for it while it is covered with spit. It reminds me of the "I love lucy," when she filled a tuba with cheese. But

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  • Ethel wasn't here to come running in the apartment and save the day. No, he was going to have to take care of this sousaphone before

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  • settling down to watch "Real Housewives of Muncie," which followed 5 overweight women in an Indiana trailer park. Sure it was trash TV, but he loved those escapades, especially the

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  • night they all showed up at Jokerz, a local strip club, to try their pale cottage cheese out on the poles. "Real Housewives of Muncie: Club Style" made Snooki's face punch look

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  • like a warm tub of Country Crock. The strip club specialized in women with baggy sweats and missing limbs. You could smell their

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  • stump oil from the parking lot but there was no cover on Tuesdays and I knew the bartender so I could usually get away with finishing any leftover drinks without fear of 86ing. It

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  • turned out, though, that I picked the worst possible night to hang around. A local Mafia Don by the name of Four-eyes Paolo showed up with his aides & entourage, and sat down near

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  • me. They ordered beans, broccoli and linguini al la garlico. Obviously they had not learned any manners from their mothers; they talked with their mouths full, belched and farted.

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