I came home after getting groceries last

I came home after getting groceries last night and there was a seraph with a flaming sword guarding my apartment door. No matter which way I turned, I could not enter. Unsure of

what to do I demanded that the seraph let me into my apartment. It proclaimed "This dwelling is now an earthly enclave of heaven. Only eunuchs may enter. You may borrow my gelding

tongs and give me your testicles. Cunningly, I handed over Ikea meatballs instead. The Seraph looked puzzled, "Three?" it said. Oops. "Alright, you may enter the apartment of heave

nly yard long PixieStix" I gingerly walked into the apt filled w/the sugary candy. The Seraph shut the door &turned on the fog machine. "What happens next?" I just wanted the candy

gummy rat I saw teasing me in the front window. The Seraph winked and telepathically told me of something greater than the gummy rat & giant pixiestix ... a talking swedish fish.

Mmmmm, delicious those Swedish fish were. While I was at it I ate the Sour Patch Kids too, their gummy little heads stuck to the roof of my mouth. I saw a double complete rainbow

but decided not to reference the popular Internet meme. Life's too short. Instead I let off a small firework, which came to the ground with a disappointing fizz, alarming a passing

passed out lady. She's slammed a quart of cheap grocery store rum right when she got to the party and collapsed on a push cart and was passing right by me towards the stairs.

She rolled right over my foot, too, but her trundling cart teetered back on the path to the stairs. The cart smashed into the first few steps & her obese body went flying down.