"I'll always love you, but we can never be

"I'll always love you, but we can never be together." "Why not?" "Health & safety." "Health & safety?" "Yes, health & safety & data protection issues. Also my accountant tells me

stolen from me." "Stolen from you?" "Yes, and that you're already married." "Me? Married?!" "Uh-huh...you're also a little to chubby for my tastes." "Chubby, like FAT?" "And kinda

smelly, too." "Smelly? *Sniff* I don't smell anything." "When was the last time you showered or bathed?" "Oh last week. Once a month whether I need it or not! ....Anything else?"

Was I going crazy or was the bloated, rotting carcass of the beached sperm whale actually talking to me?

"You already are crazy. You simply stopped taking your meds," said the beached sperm whale carcass. "Well, then what should I do?" "You must start a religion worshipping me as your

Mother Goddess," said the sperm whale. "But if I can hear you, and you speak truth, how can you not be-" "Shut up, kid," the whale snapped. "Take your meds and go home. No one

needs to know, the Mother Goddess Spirit inhabits the last living sperm whale. They'll all be out harpooning for me then. Listen Kid, first I swallowed Noah, then Ahab, & finally

Jonah. So fret not, gentle child, if I swallowed all these men, I can very well swallow their spears as well and swim to the afterlife unscathed. I would then become a totem fish,

I therefore sacrifice myself to summon great fish god Anglphthtep Nmyvcjop!