At 4 am in the morning, the riot police

At 4 am in the morning, the riot police marched up with their ballistic shields and pepper spray cannisters. The mob rushed the line. Walmart had only ten Tickle-Me Elmos.

Most of the shoppers had pepper spray as well. Some lady with her bottom bulging out of her stretch pants fired white phosphorous from a bazooka. The shoppers trampled the Occupy

Mall Seats protestors, who were hogging the wooden benches. Madame Stretch Pants shot down a Mall Seater in a Pier 1 bubble chair. "We must reclaim our right to lounge," she cried

as she careened wildly through the Mall of America, spray-painting designated not-to-exceed lines on benches and placing bench hogs under citizen's arrest. When she tried to detain

the mayer's favorite chihuahua, I decided it had been enough. I took out my Taser DeLuxe A500. It was a brandnew model, issued a week ago and I hadn't had to use it yet. I aimed

all the synaptic connections in my(our) brain are perfectly parallel. Long elegant, straight, strands of neurons all flowing in the same way. My(our) brain can now understand

signs of bodily needs. But my(our) brain is yet not capable of controlling bodily fluids or creating a stimulating fold. A double-barreled shotgun was leaning appealingly against

Piaget's chiseled chest. Piaget said he'd push me out of my zone of proximal fold development, but first he had to get something off his chest. He put the gun down & gave me a bran

dy. "I hate children," he said. "The way they run around randomly. They're really stupid, they can't talk properly & their writing's rubbish" With that bombshell, our tale ends.