At 4 am in the morning, the riot police

  • At 4 am in the morning, the riot police marched up with their ballistic shields and pepper spray cannisters. The mob rushed the line. Walmart had only ten Tickle-Me Elmos.

  • Most of the shoppers had pepper spray as well. Some lady with her bottom bulging out of her stretch pants fired white phosphorous from a bazooka. The shoppers trampled the Occupy

  • Mall Seats protestors, who were hogging the wooden benches. Madame Stretch Pants shot down a Mall Seater in a Pier 1 bubble chair. "We must reclaim our right to lounge," she cried

  • as she careened wildly through the Mall of America, spray-painting designated not-to-exceed lines on benches and placing bench hogs under citizen's arrest. When she tried to detain

  • the mayer's favorite chihuahua, I decided it had been enough. I took out my Taser DeLuxe A500. It was a brandnew model, issued a week ago and I hadn't had to use it yet. I aimed

  • at the yap yap but noticed the dart was in backwards. Should've read the 400 page instructions in Chinglish. Who has the time? I discharged it & got 100000 volts on my tongue & now

  • all the synaptic connections in my(our) brain are perfectly parallel. Long elegant, straight, strands of neurons all flowing in the same way. My(our) brain can now understand

  • signs of bodily needs. But my(our) brain is yet not capable of controlling bodily fluids or creating a stimulating fold. A double-barreled shotgun was leaning appealingly against

  • Piaget's chiseled chest. Piaget said he'd push me out of my zone of proximal fold development, but first he had to get something off his chest. He put the gun down & gave me a bran

  • dy. "I hate children," he said. "The way they run around randomly. They're really stupid, they can't talk properly & their writing's rubbish" With that bombshell, our tale ends.



  1. Chaz Apr 27 2013 @ 16:39

    I always suspected Jeremy Clarkson hated children.

  2. lucielucie Apr 28 2013 @ 08:13

    I was a bit puzzled by the Jeremy Clarkson reference - I didn't know it was his catchphrase. But now I do!

  3. PurpleProf May 19 2013 @ 22:09

    As I re-read this story, I can't help wondering what would happen if Madame Stretch Pants met Mr. Angry Pants.

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