Why is it always everyone else going out

Why is it always everyone else going out for awesome bike rides, swimming in the moonlit ocean, having mind blowing sex on drugs I've never even heard of, and here I am, on my

way home from work with a shard of glass sticking out of my eye?

Of course nothing could stop me since I discovered magic pills in a treasure chest. Well, I think it was a treasure chest. I lived in a town called Litigation. The safety at work

legislation, having reached a critical size, had gained sentience, took over the center of London, and declared itself a sovereign nation, its capital, Litigation. Not wearing the

ear of an impeding election, the establishment stood tall, angry, waiting to paint every protestor black and every mother bleak

purple. But Home Depot was out of the popular color, so he settled on "discontent orange" which was really "safety orange", but statistically even safer according to the actuarial

bird that lives in my heart. The Bird of Actuary is a gift of the Holy Zeroes. It makes actuarial numbers in my heart and while I might be lonely, I am gifted at math.

"Sure," I agreed. How long could it take for me to do my friend's tax returns, after all? But that was before I realized my friend was a billionaire. It was all I could do to not

laugh. His off shore holdings meant no taxes to pay, but it turned out he'd invested in a foreign real estate pyramid scheme & I ended up in the fed. Call it the Curse of King Tut.