I gathered all my courage and walked up to

I gathered all my courage and walked up to his locker. "Hey, Kylie!" he said. I had fallen in love with my best friend, even though we made a promise when we were in 2nd grade that

we'd always be friends. But then Kylie Minogue pretty much dropped me as soon as her ship came in. I try to friend her on facebook but it always turns out to be someone

pretending to be her, like in the film Catfish. "Perhaps it is time to move on," I wrote in my journal. Then I drew a picture of the two of us growing old. "Fuck fuck fuck," I

began, "a duck, screw a kangaroo. Fingerbang a wallaby, an orgy at the zoo." Forgetting I was sitting in church, I now looked around at the silence I had broken, my face flushed

and I made a spastic motion to cover my affliction with zoological Tourette's. The parishoners resumed their prayers. Then my brother who has botanical Tourette's let loose with "

I'm gonna fig your daisy to the break of dawn baby! Get down and praise my ghurkin!" The shocked chuch-folk prayed ever more fervently as the priest quitely disrobed and

gave the ghurkin a jerkin' right proper. Many audience members feigned righteous indignation but the seats were full the following week for the next performance.

This next performance art piece required me to wear only a g-string and smash cooked yams into my body as I rolled around in a mound of cardamom, chanting the Brady Bunch theme as

my ambiguously-gendered partner played Alice, the ever-efficient maid to the Brady Bunch. Our audience ate it up, not that we cared either way. Our performance art had social impli