They need to invent a new monster, something

They need to invent a new monster, something scary. I like vampires and zombies and stuff, but like they beat that horse to death, we need something totally freaky and new like

a venereal disease-carrying Blastoise that shoots venereal disease-carrying Blastoises out of its cannons. You'd have a bona fide superfreak if you threw in a robotic third eye and

laser beam torpedoes (Kapow! Kapow!) and it could go faster than light and shoot microwaves. My plans for a Doomsday Roomba were almost complete, until I ran out of green crayon.

I searched high and low for the green crayon to finish my Doomsday Roomba plans, then learned my trashy ex-boyfriend had melted it down to try and get high off of it. I could use

some green too, you bastard," I thought. But thinking and doing were 2 different things, and all I had were these 2 green bananas, so I put them to work in

an unripe fruit salad I was making. I chopped green bananas, sour cherries and bitter apples. I put a bowl on my boss's desk. She was always on a diet so would eat it all up.

Oh, the old battle-axe ate it up alright & declared it to be the most delicious fruit salad she'd ever eaten. The phrase "you are what you eat" came to mind. She promoted me to

put on the pineapple costume. I hated this getup. It smelled funny, and the feet were squishy. Since we were promoting healthy eating, I had no choice. I'm wearing the smelly suit

and my weird neighbor keeps wanting to take a bite out of my pineapple costume because he read that eating pineapple will change the taste of his semen ... for the better. Ugh the