They need to invent a new monster, something

  • They need to invent a new monster, something scary. I like vampires and zombies and stuff, but like they beat that horse to death, we need something totally freaky and new like

  • a venereal disease-carrying Blastoise that shoots venereal disease-carrying Blastoises out of its cannons. You'd have a bona fide superfreak if you threw in a robotic third eye and

  • laser beam torpedoes (Kapow! Kapow!) and it could go faster than light and shoot microwaves. My plans for a Doomsday Roomba were almost complete, until I ran out of green crayon.

  • I searched high and low for the green crayon to finish my Doomsday Roomba plans, then learned my trashy ex-boyfriend had melted it down to try and get high off of it. I could use

  • some green too, you bastard," I thought. But thinking and doing were 2 different things, and all I had were these 2 green bananas, so I put them to work in

  • an unripe fruit salad I was making. I chopped green bananas, sour cherries and bitter apples. I put a bowl on my boss's desk. She was always on a diet so would eat it all up.

  • Oh, the old battle-axe ate it up alright & declared it to be the most delicious fruit salad she'd ever eaten. The phrase "you are what you eat" came to mind. She promoted me to

  • put on the pineapple costume. I hated this getup. It smelled funny, and the feet were squishy. Since we were promoting healthy eating, I had no choice. I'm wearing the smelly suit

  • and my weird neighbor keeps wanting to take a bite out of my pineapple costume because he read that eating pineapple will change the taste of his semen ... for the better. Ugh the

  • audacity of some people. Although, my Mom told me years ago that the pineapple represented an open home...maybe the problem was I was giving off mixed signals . Okay, take a bite!



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