"Sack of potatoes" was my favorite trick,

"Sack of potatoes" was my favorite trick, but in my advanced age I hardly had the nerve to try it anymore. Yoga, for me, was

just too easy. When you can lick your own elbow... from a standing position through your legs, it's just not fun anymore. Many times have I tried getting into martial arts but when

my opponent beats me, I have a tantrum and storm out, stamping my feet and huffing like a steam train. Therefore, I never achieved the flexibility for contortions. I wish I could

grow up but I am a four year old trapped in a 40 year old's body. Literally I am trapped because of the Hexagonal Witch who used crimson death spells to force me into this

tuskless, 40-year-old quadriplegic elephant. And the only antidote that can return me to my 4-year-old human body is a potent blend of anti-antifreeze, leg of louse, and

suction cup of a purple-spotted octopus. The consequences will be dire if I cannot return, for my dear old mother would be mortified and I would miss my family terribly. What will

I do? I thought, looking for a way out. Oh, the irony of dying by purple-spotted octopus. I looked up, prayed I'd be able to listen to Green Day again, then...

ellipses. They dotted the path before me, staccato. The purple spotted octopus caught up with me and started coiling its slimy tendrils about my curvaceous form. It tickled my

I tripped, fell flat on my face, and knocked the wind out of my lungs. When I came to, the audience was applauding. Apparently my Performance Art 101 Final had been a success.