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"Sack of potatoes" was my favorite trick,

  • "Sack of potatoes" was my favorite trick, but in my advanced age I hardly had the nerve to try it anymore. Yoga, for me, was

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  • just too easy. When you can lick your own elbow... from a standing position through your legs, it's just not fun anymore. Many times have I tried getting into martial arts but when

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  • my opponent beats me, I have a tantrum and storm out, stamping my feet and huffing like a steam train. Therefore, I never achieved the flexibility for contortions. I wish I could

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  • grow up but I am a four year old trapped in a 40 year old's body. Literally I am trapped because of the Hexagonal Witch who used crimson death spells to force me into this

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  • tuskless, 40-year-old quadriplegic elephant. And the only antidote that can return me to my 4-year-old human body is a potent blend of anti-antifreeze, leg of louse, and

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  • suction cup of a purple-spotted octopus. The consequences will be dire if I cannot return, for my dear old mother would be mortified and I would miss my family terribly. What will

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  • I do? I thought, looking for a way out. Oh, the irony of dying by purple-spotted octopus. I looked up, prayed I'd be able to listen to Green Day again, then...

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  • ellipses. They dotted the path before me, staccato. The purple spotted octopus caught up with me and started coiling its slimy tendrils about my curvaceous form. It tickled my

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  • growing belly. Was I now pregnant? The thought of bringing new life to this world was unsettling. I brushed the octopus tentacles away and headed towards a distant mushroom house.

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  • I tripped, fell flat on my face, and knocked the wind out of my lungs. When I came to, the audience was applauding. Apparently my Performance Art 101 Final had been a success.

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