Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth

Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth in the foggy mirror. Middle age had made me fat with rolls of flesh and the kind of rippled cellulite flesh I used to make fun of when I

force fed geese for a french restaurant. "I see you in the pond with no shirt on, Mr. Goose. Hahaha eat corn." Now, as a chunky male 40-something with no prospects and a bad liver,

I envied Ryan Gosling. It seemed all the chicks flocked to him. Maybe if I made him my wingman, I could catch Lucy Goosey's attention. All that nonsense about geese mating for life

was depressing. So, with Ryan Gosling as the wingman, I decided to take a gander at getting Lucy Goosey's attention. I kept buying her breadcrumbs, & she just said "never more" &

honked nonchalantly. Ryan Gosling said it was solely because I needed new wingtips. As I looked down at my webbed feet, I heard a squawk. "Did that come out of you?" It was Lucy.

gs? "Um, Lucy. The Squawk--it was me." "You? You mean?" "Yes Lucy. My feelings for you are violent." "Violent?" "Yes, that's why I squawk. Come on, are you thick or something?"

"Look, look at yourself, you're... you're turning yellow." "No Lucy-- that means (squawk) that means the transformation is... SQUAWK!"

Plummage sprouted everywhere, my lips hardened & curved & my legs became naked & stiltlike."Squawk squawk! "I told you so Mango dear" said Lucielucie, "You wrote too many squawkers

So out of revenge I ran over on my new bird legs and ate her like a worm. I found that I enjoyed the taste of human flesh and started rampaging down the city. Squawk!