Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth

Fresh out of the shower, I admired my girth in the foggy mirror. Middle age had made me fat with rolls of flesh and the kind of rippled cellulite flesh I used to make fun of when I

force fed geese for a french restaurant. "I see you in the pond with no shirt on, Mr. Goose. Hahaha eat corn." Now, as a chunky male 40-something with no prospects and a bad liver,

I envied Ryan Gosling. It seemed all the chicks flocked to him. Maybe if I made him my wingman, I could catch Lucy Goosey's attention. All that nonsense about geese mating for life

honked nonchalantly. Ryan Gosling said it was solely because I needed new wingtips. As I looked down at my webbed feet, I heard a squawk. "Did that come out of you?" It was Lucy.

Why did Lucy ask so many obvious questions? She had eyes. Why doesn't she use them? Of course the Squawk came out of me. Is this the time for me to confront her with my true feelin

gs? "Um, Lucy. The Squawk--it was me." "You? You mean?" "Yes Lucy. My feelings for you are violent." "Violent?" "Yes, that's why I squawk. Come on, are you thick or something?"

"Look, look at yourself, you're... you're turning yellow." "No Lucy-- that means (squawk) that means the transformation is... SQUAWK!"

Plummage sprouted everywhere, my lips hardened & curved & my legs became naked & stiltlike."Squawk squawk! "I told you so Mango dear" said Lucielucie, "You wrote too many squawkers

So out of revenge I ran over on my new bird legs and ate her like a worm. I found that I enjoyed the taste of human flesh and started rampaging down the city. Squawk!