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I think I'll go for a walk outside now.

  • I think I'll go for a walk outside now. The summer sun's calling my name.

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  • I feel it now. The start of Spring. My boyfriend Ralph is a butcher. He's a nice fellow, but a commitment phobe. For 7 years he's fobbed off my desire for a wedding with gift meat.

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  • Two of the seven years, "gift meat" had been a euphemism for the obvious. This year, I told him that I would like a break from being pressured to have sex for a year; then wore

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  • a sexy little number that I bought from chastitybelts.com. It was my favorite shade of copper, studded with rubies and spikes lest anyone get the wrong idea. My present to myself.

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  • It was one of those really secure ones. Not the kind with a lock. The kind that had to be welded onto you. I took it down to the metal shop and was ravaged by Magnuson. He was

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  • shocked that I had the mundane task of delivering the only remaining and mildly titillating,

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  • Knock Knock Joke! This type of joke was fast becoming extinct, due to the Internet, some how reading a Knock Knock Joke just wasn't as funny as hearing one and signing for the deaf

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  • for a lame stand-up comedian like Barney at "Tommy's Deaf Dumb & Blind Bar" made him finally decide to quit his job. He decided to have one last laugh at Barney's expense and

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  • make a sextape with Baby Bop and send it it Barney on his birthday. B.J. was such a rascal, always too busy flying planes and shagging dinosaurs to eat his fruits and vegetables.

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  • That was, until the whole Barney scandal was blown wide open by none other than Detective James Manatee. "Looks like this case is...extinct"

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