I'd take headphones over a concert any day,

  • I'd take headphones over a concert any day, but dad wanted me to get a realer metal concert experience. A black blur, he entered my room violently enough to break the mosh barrier.

  • He dragged me into a beat-up convertible and brought me to a Beach Boys concert. In South America. "What's metal about this?" I asked. "It grates on the ears," my dad responded.

  • Finally it was time to reassess my relationship with dad. He was fat, a loud mouth and enjoyed tasting his own burps. I needed to disown him, in a major way. So I picked up the box

  • Filled it with natural gas remedies and weight loss remedies, and gave it to him. I was moving into my own flat that afternoon. How lucky it was the movers showed up early?

  • I asked them to help me move the natural gas tanks into my apartment. I was really hoping to try that remedy as soon as I could. The weight loss ones, not so much. I was a growing

  • pain in the side of my landlord. He despised my penchant for collecting obscure chemicals in large quantities. But I knew one of them would cure me, although most would kill me.

  • Then one fateful day I came home to find that he had put my entire pharmacological collection out on the sidewalk, along with my orange suede beanbag chair and my Timothy Leary

  • Leather Suede Divan. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t happy, specially upon seeing my Richard Pryor crack pipe in the gutter. He stood in the 2nd floor window urinating down on my stash

  • . "Welp, guess I need to quit crack," I sighed, staring at the urine-soaked rock candy. I drafted a list of new possible hobbies: parasailing, model rockets, murder? I crossed out

  • Parasailing. I'd always hated heights. I could always murder people with model rockets? Or rob a bank and buy loads of crack. Yeah, thats it, I'll buy a bunch of crack, sell my TV.



  1. LordVacuity May 26 2020 @ 17:23

    Just goes to show that crack isn't all it is cracked up to be.

  2. Jimbeau May 26 2020 @ 23:23

    I don't know, LordVacuity, it CRACKed me up. I'm cracking. Crack. Crack. Crack.

  3. LordVacuity May 27 2020 @ 00:40

    There once was a folder named Jimbeau Who cracked like a cracker can't though. Picked the pieces up Put them in a cup Baked for 3 minutes and he's ready to go.

  4. StigMartyr May 27 2020 @ 05:00

    There once was a folder named LordVacuity Who rhymed in a flash of spontaneity He has a fine rack Smokes a bunch of crack Then disappears into ambiguity

  5. LordVacuity May 27 2020 @ 20:37

    BTW, I've have been more than once. I've been several times just as I've been writing this.

  6. Woab May 28 2020 @ 15:42

    There once was a folder, StirMartyr, Who wrote funny folds, for a starter, I found him in Dorset Wearing a corset and smiling like President Carter.

  7. Woab May 28 2020 @ 15:45

    There once was a folder named Woab Who mis-typed names and was sorry. She also wanted to rhyme Lynda Carter But couldn't because it didn't fit the rhythm scheme. Shoot.

  8. SlimWhitman Jun 02 2020 @ 09:22

    There once was a folder named MoralEnd whose folds were often twisted or off the deep end. Sometimes his lines undermine the story's designs but often his wit caught a spark and it lit this number one folder really had grit.

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