There I was in my one piece at the 2013 Muff

There I was in my one piece at the 2013 Muff Dive for the Cure, poised precariously at the end of the board. 100 feet below, a tank of muffs, with a school of muff sharks lazily

combing themselves when I recalled that my dentist had warned me not to get hair in my teeth because it was bad for my braces. But I couldn't back out now. "This is not my mustache

, this mustache is my LIFE!" I didnt care that it had food bits in it, or that a family of bald eagles were eyeing it for nesting purposes. It took me years 2 grow it & nothing was

going to stop me from entering this year's National Beard and Moustache Championships. I vowed revenge ever since Patrick Gorman beat me in Lancaster's 2011 event winning my $600.

Patrick hadn't shaved since, so I went with style over substance, hence the moustache dreadlocks. Why I provided the $600 top prize out of pocket is a mystery. An amish challenger

could easily complete such a trial as competitive facial hair growing. Suddenly, I hear the hammer of a gun click behind me. It was Agent Michael Scarn. "Miss me?" he said.

"In your dreams," I growled, reaching into my pocket as I turned around. Agent Scarn had lowered his gun. "That—that was you?" he said, suddenly vulnerable. "My dream journal

...you READ it?!" "I did indeed," I growled again, "I have to admit, I was flattered." to which Agent Scam replied,"You won't tell my wife about what I wrote in my dream journal,

"Your dreams are safe with me, Agent Scam," I said. Your wife probably doesn't want to know about that one involving the monkey in the Channel Tunnel anyway. I put the journal into

my bra and walked away hoping that against all odds he wouldnt tell anyone about my dream and what it could mean.