There I was in my one piece at the 2013 Muff

  • There I was in my one piece at the 2013 Muff Dive for the Cure, poised precariously at the end of the board. 100 feet below, a tank of muffs, with a school of muff sharks lazily

  • combing themselves when I recalled that my dentist had warned me not to get hair in my teeth because it was bad for my braces. But I couldn't back out now. "This is not my mustache

  • , this mustache is my LIFE!" I didnt care that it had food bits in it, or that a family of bald eagles were eyeing it for nesting purposes. It took me years 2 grow it & nothing was

  • going to stop me from entering this year's National Beard and Moustache Championships. I vowed revenge ever since Patrick Gorman beat me in Lancaster's 2011 event winning my $600.

  • Patrick hadn't shaved since, so I went with style over substance, hence the moustache dreadlocks. Why I provided the $600 top prize out of pocket is a mystery. An amish challenger

  • could easily complete such a trial as competitive facial hair growing. Suddenly, I hear the hammer of a gun click behind me. It was Agent Michael Scarn. "Miss me?" he said.

  • "In your dreams," I growled, reaching into my pocket as I turned around. Agent Scarn had lowered his gun. "That—that was you?" he said, suddenly vulnerable. "My dream journal

  • ...you READ it?!" "I did indeed," I growled again, "I have to admit, I was flattered." to which Agent Scam replied,"You won't tell my wife about what I wrote in my dream journal,

  • "Your dreams are safe with me, Agent Scam," I said. Your wife probably doesn't want to know about that one involving the monkey in the Channel Tunnel anyway. I put the journal into

  • my bra and walked away hoping that against all odds he wouldnt tell anyone about my dream and what it could mean.



  1. MangoMania Mar 04 2013 @ 15:17

    In case anyone was curious about the historical events behind my fold: http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/category/results/ Agent Scarn totally crashed the fold, he probably won't get invited to go out with the rest of the improv class.

  2. PurpleProf Mar 04 2013 @ 19:17

    That link is great, MangoMania... And it was this story that served as proof positive that I need new glasses. I just realized I typed Agent Scam instead of Agent Scarn... Why don't you start again with the beard championship idea?

  3. MangoMania Mar 05 2013 @ 10:27

    I will, but fair warning Squawkers and Agent Scarn might be entering the moustache competition.

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