Pearl sat on a log in the woods. She had

Pearl sat on a log in the woods. She had a billy can of ravioli in one hand and a piece of cutlery in the other. She'd been staring at it for a while. Was it a spoon or a fork?

After much consideration, Pearl realized the utensil was both and decided to call it a spork. She dug it firmly into the billycan and scooped out a big glop of steaming hot ravioli

Thank god for ChefBoyRDee, she thought to herself. Armed with a spork, some twine, 2 cans of SPAM & her Prada purse, Pearl was adrift on the life boat. The sea became rough &

Pearl thought she just might die out there in the middle of the ocean. But then Charlie, of StarKist tuna fish fame, suddenly appeared. "What's the best tuna?" he demanded. Pearl

replied without batting an eye. "A dead tuna." She harpooned Charlie through the eye and pulled his body onto the boat. Pearl lit the Coleman grill and opened the premium cutlery

set. Yes, they'd dine well on Charlie tonight. Pearl cut him into chunks and tossed him on the grill. "Boil some pasta," she ordered the deckhand. "And get some onions and leeks

and chives and scallions, and teach the poop deck-hands the difference." Yes, they'd dine on medium-well Charlie tonight. Pearl would make food or foodies of this motley lot before

sundown I suppose. But all the cooking made Pearl wish she was back in France. She'd had a menage a trois with a baguette kneader and a Ted Talk producer. It had made her feel so

cheap but it was certainly enjoyable. The ted talk producer sweet talked her right out of her skit and the baguette kneader--well he clearly knew how to use his hands. France was