All ye beware. The great Guinea Pig Purger

Lo, it is written that the great Guinea Pig Purger shall purge the world of the guinea swine, and their bodies shall be offered up as nourishment - the Guinea Pig Burger shall

rise under the guise of a clown's fast-food dynasty and lo, the Guinea Pig Burger shall be known as...the Big Mac. Prophets prophesized profits. Masses masticated the meat. And lo,

and lo, and LO -- they shut us down on epidemic concerns. "Moronic Plague," the regional FDA apologized. "I'm as small-B capitalist as they come, but guinea pig carry a nasty

pathogen which will lead you to eat your own babies when stressed unless treated with red hot tongs." The FDA'd allow us to reopen once all staff had been tonged frequently. Most

times I just smell my fingers but sometimes I'll also bite my scratchin' nail. This is how I made myself invulnerable to all the pathogens the FDA let slip through their "inspectio

nary nail surveys that were mandatory world-wide. But I was smarter than the FDA; probably the FDA, the FBI, and Canada combined. I had successfully immunized myself from all

living organisms. Nothing could hurt me. My superhuman cells would fight off 'bugs' from the galaxy's mulching sector like none other. They kept me working there, chained to the

towering ossified spiracles of the revered Xito Overlord Charumbo. Galactic bugs and virii challenged me, me in my chains, but my cells had bite and backbone, and all comers fell

to the writhing sentient ground, poisoned by my chitinous spikes. Eventually the throng of spectators demanded my release, which is how I'm sitting by you on this bar in Ohio."