1. "When you assume you make an ass out of

1. "When you assume you make an ass out of you and me."

3. "When you swing dance to Led Zepplin's Dazed and Confused."

4. When your voice cracks along to the Stones' "Gimme Shelter".

5. Getting splashed from head to toe in snow melt from a passing ambulance.

6. Coming back to my senses in chains, dangling over the East River in a strong wind, for something I hadn't done, but looking guilty as hell for other things I actually had done.

The stiff breeze felt cold against my pantless legs. What a sour execution--it'd all start to become clear to me: The nipple tassels, the snug cheetah-print banana hammock, somehow

the gifts in the work Xmas hamper seemed a little more unusual than last year. I stood on the balcony of the hotel where the Xmas function was being held and looked over the edge

and was gobsmacked by how weird the word "edge" really was. I spoke slow, "Ed-juh." "Eeeeed-jeeeeeh." Bizarre. I got sonic vertigo and fell off the balcony right into a platt

er of crab rangoons. The native Inuit family, horrified, called the police and I was apprehended shortly thererafter. Locked away in the icy prison of Calcatraz, this is how I die.