A shark is a large fish, and does not

A shark is a large fish, and does not move hydrologically in the same way that say, an inflatable child's toy does, but I wasn't in the frame of mind to tell the difference when

out of nowhere, a hippo swallowed me. Yeah, it's happened before. So what? I'm not in the frame of mind to distinguish between hydrodynamic sharks and inflatable hippos, okay?

Because aquatic predators are awesome, especially when they kill people. Sometimes I'll put a balloon near the edge of the river bank, just so I can watch a 5 year old

story repeat itself over and over again. But that is not why I ended up here with all the greatest scientists that the college could afford to send with me. Not that one intern

with the red hair and the double-jointed knee - ugh, no way would I want to spend the next 50 years cooped up in a capsule with her; the clicking alone would drive me mad. Anyway,

ocean of despair that is my life is hard to do. In fact, I don't want to ignore it any more.

Ha! As if I could. Everytime I looked myself in the mirror, I relived that tragic, tragic day. My eyes welled up with tears & my chin trembled uncontrollably. I opened the medicine

cabinet & swallowed 3 Midols, even though I was a guy. Maybe I'd be happier if I could get in touch with my feminie side. I found a tampon and contemplated how it might feel if I

shoved it up a hole somewhere. Or take a certain actor's advice and use it for nosebleeds. It was an interesting until I started to get emotional and it got really weird.