Subjects needed for study comparing caloric

Subjects needed for study comparing caloric consumption during sex versus other physical activities. No previous experience necessary. Participants will be compensated

-I'd stopped reading after "sex". I signed the waiver, took my clothes off and affixed a neck napkin. "Ready!" I yelled. It was the "other physical activities" that would make this

really interesting. So I waited... and waited... and waited... and soon I fell asleep. And in sleep, I found myself dreaming about the very thing I came here for in the first place

: sleep. I dreamed I wasn't getting any sleep. Tossing & turning, this way & that. It's a nightmare not getting any sleep. In my dream, I tried counting sheep, but that didn't work

. So I slid out of bed, tiptoed to the bathroom, and opened a cabinet, where I found a bottle of blue and red pills. Desperate for sleep, I swallowed one of each

...or maybe more. I'm kinda fuzzy on the details now. The one thing I clearly remember is going downstairs & finding Burger King hiding in my fridge. Scared the bejesus outta me.

But I recovered enough to bow deeply and say "O Burger King, Lord of the Lake of Saturated Fat, Great Earl of Cho Lesterol and Imperator of Ketchup let me aid you out of my fridge

, through the Microwave Caverns, and into Stomach Palace." My gut was an inflatable nightmare- like an above ground pool filled with vinegar or a sex doll with judgy eyes.

The toxic sludge moved like a traffic jam on a highway at rush hour, much to my dismay. What the hell was in my food? It was kept top secret by the bureaucrats, of course. Ugh.