It was 5.48am. A blackbird was singing outside

It was 5.48am. A blackbird was singing outside the window in the gloom. I reached out - nothing there. I looked & there was a burnt hole the shape of my husband in the mattress.

Spontaneous human combustion.I leaped out of my bed & did the happy dance! My husband was GONE & now I could collect his life insurance! But 1 problem: spontaneous human combustion

the room and drapes were all smoky, maybe a dash of paint. I deftly vacuumed up the ashes of my husband and called State Farm Life. Spontaneous human combustion not covered? Damn.

But then I called an attorney--Joe Lateeple. "Ma'am ur husband did not spontaneously combust, nope. His underwear ignited his undershirt. State Farm Insurance will have to pay!"

"First off, your grammar is atrocious." I replied to the attorney. "Secondly, we don't have state farm insurance, we have Geico. Thirdly, how again did his underwear spontaneously

disappear?" The attorney stared at me, stuttering. "You is so much wrong!" He screamed, pointing a finger at me. "You much much very bad go prison." Of course, everyone listened

in translation using the court's Translation Services. Most days they only used the Spanish translator but due to the high visibility of this case they had them all working today.

Straw monkeys glancing at the translators, wondering if they spoke Monkeyish. Mr. Straw and his friends wore fedoras and exchanged notes on Monkeyman's trial. Monkeyman was drunk.

Monkeyman climbed up onto the judge's podium and gave him a kiss on the lips. "Is that liquor I smell on your breath?" the judge asked. "Is that a baloney sandwich I smell on yours